Friday, 22 July 2005

Now I know
Mood:  accident prone
Remember the time I told ya about my ex bf? Well he just told me that he had been all the while sabotaging me from the very beginning. If he had told me so, it would be easier for me to forget him. Rudy wouldn't have extra ammunition to scold me or hit on me. Now all is lost. I lost my trust in men. Like totally.

Emirates called this afternoon. Told me they are having an interview next Saturday. I flipped with happiness. Finally something I could run away too. I hope I get it. I really want it. I don't want to see Rudy or Azhar or anyone that look like them. I'm begining to think I'm too soft at heart to believe all that.

Why do they always take advantage of nice people like me? Why isn't there anyone who appreciate me? I felt cheated hearing all the nice things once said to me slowly unfolding into a web of lies.

Anyway I forgive this people. I'm no looker myself, so why expect the best right? If I get to Dubai i wanna go Syria. Either way I'm getting out of Singapore. Too disappointed. Or maybe I just work my ass of and don't get married. Men... argh... God should have just stop with Adam.

Posted by jahanam06 at 7:54 PM

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Monday, 18 July 2005

And now for the Finale`
Mood:  sad
Topic: Emotions
I'm like really, really upset. I want to cry. But there's nobody who would listen and console. I hate this feeling. I finally broke up with him. Over a stupid hp. I saw him fiddling with a hp, other than his, so I asked him who's phone was it. He refused to let me see. Even tried to hide it away. I got fed up so I kept quiet. I didn't want to fight. Then he asked me to talk about it. And talked I did. I told him all his excuses would be justified if he just show me the phone's address book. He took out the phone but didn't get to the address book, slam it close and said that's its over. I took it whole heartedly and left without saying goodbye. But I am scared. I am really scared.

Posted by jahanam06 at 11:17 PM

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Sunday, 17 July 2005

We fought again
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Emotions
We fought again and I didn't hear from him the whole night. He started his new job and couldn't spare a few minutes to even call me. Only 2 messages to be exact. His excuses was that 1) he only had 15 min of break; 2)His hp was in his locker. I find that a rather pathetic attempt to rescue himself from explaining his conducts. But I knew better. He was so caught with his new job. He must have love it or he won't forget me. Or there must be a new girl that he couldn't be bothered to talk to me anymore. I should have just give him up, but I couldn't. I love him so..I am crying as I typed this blog. I wished I could talked it out to someone but I just couldn't. No one would pity me. Why should anyone? A friend told me its better to end it that prolonged the inevitable. He's right, but I can't bear to see him go. My baby, my confidante`, my everything. No one kisses me like he does, no one touches me like he does, no encourage me like does. But now..it seems all hope is lost for me. I need to get a job so that I could forget him and indirectly making the process of letting him go easier. He's becoming annoyingly arsehole but somehow I always managed to forgive him so. Why am I a sucker..

Posted by jahanam06 at 1:04 AM

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Saturday, 16 July 2005

INSOMIA
Mood:  caffeinated
This is bad. I can't sleep. On the IRC chatting with GOD knows who and my boyfriend is fast asleep. He don't talk to me much nowdays. We had like small chicken conversation, not much interaction and he comes back home and sleep. I don't know what he's tired of. He got a pretty easy job but I think he pushed himself while working out. He always does that. Thats like so stupid because he's like 33 and his bones will take ages to heal.

I need to talk and communicate. Not with just anyone. But with someone I know. But no one I know is alive and kicking now. ONly me...

My sis is the main reason why I can't sleep. Shes snoring ya know. I think she's smoking because smokers snore when they sleep. She sounded like a toad snoring like that. And its perfect for this rainy weather. Yeah its cool and nice to sleep. And I am awake.. oh horror..oh horror

Posted by jahanam06 at 12:00 AM

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Thursday, 14 July 2005

I still remember the EX
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Emotions

I still remember my EX.He was a fireman. I don't know why I can't erase him away. He's no better than my current boyfriend, actually they are like about the same attitude. But this EX of mine always linger in my mind. Maybe because I see his prefession everywhere I go. I see guys looking like him; his hairstyle, his skin, his smouldering eyes. I make excuses each time I had an image of him in my head. I told myself that its just a passing phrase and I will one day get over it. Its been a year. And it got worse when my boyfriend started acting like an arsehole. It makes me feel like I'm missing something. Some people said that woman like to be treated like a princess. Well those people are right. I need attention and I need comforting. I don't like to kept in the dark or keeping a secret away from me, afraid to getting me hurt. At times I wished I could just fly away to another country. I want to get away from both guys, so that I could find peace with my inner demons. These demons, are terrible being, gnawing at my soul and took with them every strength I could muster each time I wanted a break. Then I grew weak.

Posted by jahanam06 at 11:01 PM

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Thursday, 14 July 2005

Feeling the hurt inside.
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Emotions
My inner demons are telling me to forget about him. Leave him, be on your own and survive. But I am too weak to pursue. I am to weak to let him go. Why? Because he owed me too much. I just can't let him go like that without having thought of all the sacrifices that I had made for him. Morever, I love him dearly, more than anyone could ever imagine. My patience and my trust in him are so overwhelming that I could forgive him each time he said sorry. But he apologises way too much for too many times. He made too many mistakes that I couldn't account for. He did all those these that he told me I can't. When I questioned him, he said why should I always be tit-for-tat. But that's just the way I am darling. I accepted you for all the flaws that you are. Why can't you accept me for my flaws too? I know I am not perfect. I'm not as tall as your previous girlfriend was, and I not as pretty as your first ex was, but I'm different and I took care of you. We used to spent like every single day together. Now my diary is full with "hate" entries about how you treated me. I'm left with nothing. You got nothing to lose if I let you go. Because, legally, you don't own a bloody thing. As for me, all the things are in my name. Your handphone bill, our debts, our accounts, even the company. All under my sole, pitiful name. I wished there is someone else who could cry for me 'cause my tears had run dry from all the sobbing and tears that I cried for you.

Posted by jahanam06 at 9:12 AM

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